Infertility is inconvenient Thursday, Aug 13 2009 

As you may have noticed, I’ve dropped off in commenting and posting over the past few weeks. I think of you all and wish each and every one of my real life and  imaginary internet friends 110% success in their family building.

In the last week I have been laid off, found out that I am ineligible for IVF at one of the top poor responder clinics in the nation, and handled two stressful personal matters. As an extra suck-tastic bonus, the day I lost my job I gained something in return: a very large traffic ticket. Interestingly, I don’t own a car, hardly ever drive, and was borrowing a friend’s car to attend a party to take my mind off my job loss.

I think it is time for some introspection.

As much strength as I have gained from blogging and reading, I’m going to step away from the computer for a little while as we determine our next steps and the actions necessary to feel like we have given this journey of prescription sex, vaginal scans, abdomen bruising contests, and hormonal hell  our all.

Please forgive my absence, remember that  this community is very valuable  to me, and know that I’ll be back once I feel that I have a better handle on a more well-rounded life that focuses a little more on my strengths and a little less on my ovaries.

Thank you for reading.


Follow the yellow brick road! Friday, Jul 31 2009 

emerald cityToday at baseline monitoring I told my nurse,

“This is becoming part of my routine, and I’m pretty sure that’s not a good thing. I’m over it.”

We then proceeded to have a half hour conversation about attempting one round of IVF with a low responder protocol (like estrogen priming) with the knowledge that it would probably be converted to sexing or IUI. I have been thinking a lot about what I need in order to feel like I’ve given this my all, and I think I need to know that we grabbed all of the really expensive drugs, complicated protocols, vats of estrogen in various forms and methods of delivery, and the possibility of needle aspiration through my vagina and said,

“Yes , please.”

Unfortunately, this is a very expensive way to gain closure, especially as I’ll most likely do donor egg if this last ovarian assault is undertaken and fails (which statistics say it will), and the money might be more practically used to just go straight to donor egg. Obviously we have more thinking to do on our own and as a couple. We also need to trick a doctor into IVFing me.

My RE is on vacation. I will have a consult when he returns.

Through luck, timing, fine phone finesse, and a sympathetic scheduler I managed to score a consult next week at one of the top poor responder clinics in the US -the Emerald City of the Ovarian Short Bus. I happen to be visiting said city, and I decided this morning to see if there were any cancellations. There was one. It is now my appointment.

We will just be gathering information. I don’t know that either the Ovarian Short Bus Lovers or my clinic will agree to give me a try. I don’t know that we can afford it even if they do. But, I do know that I won’t know unless I ask.

In the mean time, I stick to the routine. I started tonight.

Thanks for the luv Wednesday, Jul 29 2009 

Thank you all for the love. I am still climbing out from my backlog of VERY URGENT work tasks, emails and requests that aren’t so very urgent after all, but being a lowly peon, I don’t get to assign urgency. I have a funny story to tell you, but you’ll have to be patient while I continue to be selfish.

Selfish, Barren! Selfish! Selfish!

Calling all Infertiles! (Especially low responders aka-the ovarian short bus riders*):

Does anyone have experience with steroids during their stim cycle? I’ve been using a Medro.l Dose Pack at the start of my cycle, and based on my joint pain I think that it is still working at dampening my immune system for a few weeks post first dose, but it is not the same as taking a low dose steroid each day until beta.  I’m curious about protocols and dosing for those of you that take other types of steroids. Will you share your experiences including dosing amounts and days?

For the low responders (especially those of you that have done IUI or timed sexing, but I’d be happy to hear from the IVFers too), how much (or other stim) have you taken? My RE tells me that upping my dose much more is just overkill and will be throwing money away without making much difference in my follicle growth or numbers. I’d appreciate hearing from women that are low responders regarding this issue. FYI-I’m at 200-250 a day.

Finally, does anyone know if there is a benefit to starting on day 2 versus day 3? Is this specific to low responders? Anyone with a friend of a friend’s cousin’s girlfriend that was totally barren for 234235 years only to secretly switch her stim start date and fall pregnant with 436956 babies?

Thanks, and I owe you all lots of attention, comments, and funny posts.



*if this offends you, I am sorry. My ovarian failure offends me.

So? How about that local Sports Team!? Thursday, Jul 23 2009 

…and my, my, isn’t this an awful lot of weather we’re having?

Karen, here, in for Barren.  I thought maybe I could distract you from the beta news with talk of the weather.  But the weather here sucks, which, unfortunately, goes along rather well with the suckitude that is the news that I got from Barren today regarding her (negative) beta.  I can only hope that the weather is better where she is, and that she’s busy drowning her sorrows in the bottom of a bottle of vodka or tequila or whatever strikes her fancy right now.

I went out with her last night and had a good time with her, as always.  I wish either of us had had more optimism about our own futures with regards to treatments, especially her.  She was a bundle of optimism for me, though, which was much appreciated, but punctuated by the heartwrenching knowledge that she didn’t hold out the same hope for herself.    I even had the opportunity to peer at her collection of pee sticks and I could have sworn there was a second line on one of them… but… then I remembered that I see double.

It was worth a shot, right?

Well, the silver lining is that I think I’ve stocked Barren with enough Follistim to get through her next cycle.  It’s the least I can do, because she’s been my lifeline the last few months.  I don’t know what I’d do without her.

Beta-cation Thursday, Jul 23 2009 

I’m off to a land with no internet connectivity, but first a stop at the RE for my beta. A guest has kindly offered to post the news later today on the blog so that I don’t have to come back next week and tell you about my negative. I know there’s still a chance, but 5 pee sticks later, and all I’ve got to show for it is an evaporation line on the cheapie. Lame. and pleather Wednesday, Jul 22 2009 

Long ago I used to derive pleasure from the items that came into contact with my lady parts. Now, I consider it a win if in exchange for dropping my pants and saying hello to the camera dildo I’m able to score an ultrasound showing a follicle for my refrigerator, and I think I deserve applause when I manage to get the tucked behind my fem.ring in such a way as to minimize leakage. I feel like my vagina is the no fun zone.  I’m worried I’m becoming the no fun zone.

Instead of thinking about sex, last night I had a dream about a chocolate donut. It started with fantasies of a perfect chocolate cupcake with white icing and baked in chocolate chips. The baked goods ideal evolved as I rested in bed watching the clock tick tock past 11, 12, 1 and too many other numbers. At somepoint during my eventual slumber the cupcake morphed into a Starb.ucks chocolate donut. Apparently even my pastry dreams go slummin’. This morning, unable to concentrate on briefing papers, phone calls, or plans for this evening, I took a donut recess from work and gleefully sauntered off to the ‘buck, sure that this donut would be the answer to my crappy outlook and cranky attitude. I bounced into the store eager to receive the treat.

No chocolate donuts. I asked the surly woman behind the counter. Perhaps there were stacks and piles of donuts secretly tucked in the back cooler just waiting for me?

No secret chocolate donuts.

I almost started crying, ordered a drink, and reversed my route- uphill this time, back to home, work obligations, a difficult boss, no HoneyBee (he’s still out of country), a probably unsuccessful cycle, and the weight of the world on my shoulders. And then I saw it….a non-descript luxury car with tinted windows parked illegally in a loading zone-the kind of vehicle often squiring diplomats or middle-aged CEO’s shuttled from very important meeting to more important meeting. The door opened and out stretched a pleather-clad leg, a pleather so tight it straddled the line between pants and  legging status. The head dipped into view, and the plastic pants creature unfolded to full size: a 6+ foot tall 30something  man who looked like a Brooks Brothers model from the waist up proceeded up the street.

And my mood changed. I may be a barren, childless, hormonal wreck, who misses her partner and is feeling quite sorry for herself today, but at least I didn’t lose the bet that man must have lost in order to require him to march up a busy metropolitan street decked out in skin-tight, shiny,  fake leather.

Cheers to you, Pleather Legging Man. Thanks for the laugh.

Ovulate this! Friday, Jul 17 2009 

Well, I ovulated: P4= 16.something. According to my enormous boobs I certainly did.

I’m already on the vag, so I’m covered as it isn’t the best level ever. I’m still not optimistic.

I’ve been a very naughty and selfish blogger. I try to follow; I suck at commenting. Thinking of all of you!

PS-I think most of my commenters have blogs, but not all of your names link back to a blog. If you comment, will you link to your blog so that I can give you some attention?

Stupid bubble fetus, why don’t you exist? Tuesday, Jul 14 2009 

Oh right, hcg is the pregnancy hormone. So, it makes you feel like you are pregnant…with about 250 iu of hcg. Huh. That’s about how barely  pregnant I was in 2008 when I had the chemical/very early mc/whateverthefuckitwas. This is awesome deja vu.

How did I not anticipate this? I’m a smart lady. I triggered a half a dozen times before the pregnant cycle. Infertility obviously made me stupid.

When will we be able to grow babies in actual test tubes like sci fi? I would visit my bubble fetus every day and sit with it for hours. I’d feed it through the umbilical beaker and talk to it. I’d even create an elaborate quiet womb room in what is now the office/guest bedroom.  I’d nurture it and love it and even do lamaze breathing when it was all cooked and ready to be “born”.

Thank you, ma’am Monday, Jul 13 2009 

HoneyBee was supposed to fly home on Wednesday. Thanks to travel delays of the most curious and original fashion he didn’t arrive until 11:00 Friday morning (I kept taking meds Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights).

He texted me at 6:00 am to say that he was making his connection and I should trigger. Due to magical cell phone forces, I did not receive the text. I figured he was still delayed; his phone was off again (as he was on the final leg of the travel nightmare) and after two days of wait and fly, I wasn’t triggering until he gave me the all clear. He called to say he was at Our City airport. I hung up on him, ran to the kitchen, tore off my pants, and triggered. I called him back. He came home, I tore off my pants again, and we had wild monkey sex repeatedly. Fine, I’ll admit it-I never bothered to put my pants back on. I’m lazy like that.

Five hours later he had to leave, as due to scheduling he couldn’t change his return flight. Next time, he has to buy me dinner first. After all of the drama, I even screwed (ha!) up the trigger shot timing. Awesome. This is the lamest excuse for a 2 ww ever.

I know that there is probably some woman somewhere out there that became pregnant under equally, if not more, ridiculous circumstances. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be that woman. I’ll be glad when I can put this behind me and start a new cycle.

Question for the peanut gallery-I don’t remember from my past cycles. When does the ovary pain go away? It is obnoxious and annoying.

Trigger this! Tuesday, Jul 7 2009 

Not looking great. Poor Follie-Only 14.8 this morning. I talked to the nurse and said that I’m happy to keep going if my RE thinks it would make a difference, but if it is time to cut our losses, trigger, and try again next month, I’m ready for that to be the plan. She said she’d talk to the RE and let me know. We played phone tag so I didn’t get my actual e2 reading or have a real conversation to relay his thoughts, but her message said that I’m cleared for Trigger as soon as HoneyBee gets home (hopefully tomorrow). I’ll take meds tonight (and tomorrow if for some reason he isn’t back until Thurs).

monkey tailI guess there is a wild chance in hell that it could mature enough before/due to the trigger shot, but I’m not hopeful. Besides, after  almost 4 weeks of stims and such slow growth, I’m afraid that any resulting baby might have 3 heads or  a prehensile tail. Not a Clown Car pointed out that a prehensile tail could actually be useful, especially since I’m short and need help reaching things, but I digress. I’m no fortune teller, but I predict a negative in approximately 2 weeks.

Is it a good or bad thing that after seeing dozens of photos of monkeys with prehensile tails dressed up in little outfits (with diaper covers,  people sell diaper cover for monkeys, with tail holes. I kid you not. goog.le it.) I sort of want one. Maybe if I stay barren I’ll just get a monkey and pretend it is a baby. That’s totally acceptable, right?

PS-This particular monkey is totally cracking me up. She (he?) looks so ashamed. Is it the outfit? The captivity? Come live with me monkey; I’ll dress you in style!

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