I just spent the evening with one of my closest friends and her partner. They live on the other side of the world, and while he’s been her significant other for a long while, I only met him for the first time tonight. We talk every few weeks and keep up over email, but no matter how much we try it isn’t the same as seeing one another often. Yet, tonight I saw her walk in my front door and felt like we’d been together last month (or at the very least in the last few months). Hopefully, this speaks to the strength of our friendship and the longevity of our calling cards, but I think there’s more to it. We always look to the future. We don’t talk extensively about how long it’s been since we’ve seen one another. We don’t necessarily know the exact date when we’ll see one another again, but there isn’t a question as to if, just when.

This has me thinking about looking backward and looking forward in terms of fertility. Looking forward I have the promise of hope and the experience of my past. I really do feel, against all statistics, and with the agreement of my RE because I seem to have a strangely lucky response, as though pregnancy and giving birth to a healthy child is a question of when not if, but I have a nagging, nasty part of me that double guesses the positive and thinks about all of the time we might be wasting chasing a biological child against the odds of a POF diagnosis. I can look at the past in terms of the negative-POF, miscarriage, other AI issues, but I am trying very hard to remember I did get pregnant -a virtual feat.

A few weeks after my miscarriage I was walking to a yoga class and saw a pregnant woman of about my age. This is the sort of situation where in the past I would have felt angry, jealous, and resentful, but for some reason, when seeing this particular woman, I had a much more gentle feeling wash over me, and a very strong sense that I’d get there. To be clear, this feeling came out of nowhere…..a day before I was jealous, sad, and upset, and the same woman would have induced something closer to rage followed by shame for my strong feelings. I’m still not really sure where the shift came from, but the calm and comfort have remained. I’m trying to focus on the fact that I did get pregnant, and this bodes well that I will again. I know the odds, I’m aware of the statistics regarding my situation. I’m focusing on the future not the past.

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