N’s about 36-37 weeks pregnant right now . She’s one of the first people I called after my early miscarriage this spring because I knew she would understand-N lost her first pregnancy 3 years ago. N was supportive and thoughtful, said most of the right things (except for the dreaded, “Well, at least you know you can get pregnant.”), called to check on me, and she still asks how I’m doing about the m/c months after most have relegated my loss to the archives of sadness

She didn’t tell me at the time that she was also 5 weeks pregnant. I didn’t find out she was expecting for another 6 weeks when she had no choice but to share before I saw her in person-she was already showing. I did the math on the phone, asked for her due date, and it was confirmed. She’s having a baby. I had a miscarriage.

I’m genuinely happy for her; I just wish the timing wasn’t so crappy. I haven’t seen much of N during her pregnancy as we live in different states, but the 3 times we’ve been together I haven’t been able to help myself. I would be that pregnant? Wow, she’s big. OMG, I’d be having a baby in a few weeks. No way, I couldn’t possibly be ready to have a baby next month! It feels surreal.

And so on quiet evenings I think of N and her baby, and what would have been  my baby. Her child will grow up. I’ll watch her grow up, and I’ll always wonder about my baby that wasn’t.