I’m on a break from fertility drugs, pelvic ultrasounds, swollen ovaries, and timed sex. How come I can’t take a break from infertility? No matter what I do, it’s still there. In the corner. Waiting. Teasing.

Maybe if I did 456456747 minutes of meditation a a day (I’m so relaxed it’s stressing me out!), and took a vacation (can’t afford it, spent all my money on fertility drugs), and went back to acupuncture (see relaxed and broke), and gave up alcohol forever (from what I hear, I won’t manage the toddler years without access to copious amounts of wine if I ever do have children), and drank wheat grass (I still don’t know where to find this), and ate all organic, and cut out dairy-wait, !NEW RESEARCH STUDY ALERT!, now switch to full-fat dairy (good because I wasn’t ever going to give up the cheese anyway), and had perfectly timed orgasms to maximize the sperm being pushed through the cervix (now I need to be picky about when on top of if and how?), and and and and and and and ………….

and what if I did everything right and still no baby? Then I’d have no baby and be absolutely crazy too. Well, I’m already a little crazy. I just wish that when I’m not able to do anything about actively trying to have a baby I could turn off the wanting a baby. If my ovaries aren’t going to match my heart, could my heart take a break and copy my ovaries for a little while?