At least once a week for the past few months I’ve told HoneyBee  that I want a  baby-SHOCKING, I know, but that’s all I say;  I voice the want, but I don’t mention starting another cycle, going back to the RE, or anything concrete that could possibly result in a real baby because those same activities might fail, or even more devastating, they might end with just an embryo or fetus but still no baby. I want a baby, but I don’t want yet another negative or a second miscarriage, and I’m worried that I’m not ready to try again if I can’t face the prospect of disappointment.

By taking a break I’ve managed to squirrel away my fears in a back corner of my brain and chalk up not trying to logistical issues, but the reality is that my eggs aren’t getting any younger, and their quality surely isn’t improving. I worry that if I wait to be ready I’ll miss our window of already borrowed time.

Last week HoneyBee brought up trying again in a month or two. While he’s always been on board with our cycles, he’s never been the instigator. I’ve been the one to ask him if he’s up for another go.  He’s game, but I’m the organizer.

If I wait until I think  I’m ready to face the negative as well as hope for a positive we may never try again. If I keep delaying another cycle and don’t ovulate or get pregnant  once we finally feel ready I know I’ll wish we tried earlier, and I’ll always wonder if we missed our chance at a good egg because I was too frightened to deal with it.

So, there’s our answer. I can’t let fear prevent opportunity.  I guess that means I’m back in the stirrups soon. Hopefully in the next few weeks it will start to be a prospect that excites me because I’m hopeful and optimistic instead of something I’m doing because I’m afraid I’ll regret it later if I don’t step up now.

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