Infertility, I’m sick of you. I’m tired of always thinking about being barren and anovulatory. It’s exhausting. Yesterday in therapy (yes, I’m going to talk about therapy again, I have no boundaries-that’s why I’m in therapy) I told my therapist, in the context of discussing my family over the holidays, that I feel like all I ever do is try so hard to make everyone happy, and they just get mad at me when I can’t make all of their differing agendas work at 100%. I feel they’re annoyed at the 25% where they didn’t get their way instead of being thankful I worked so hard to make them 75% happy. In frustration I declared that  the next person I take care of better come from my own body (or, it is implied, be my adopted child).  If I’m going to sacrifice for someone that is eternally pissed off at me it might as well be my own teenager.

She followed up with questions about how I care for myself. Huh? Do you mean like showering and teeth brushing? I  do those.  It turns out she didn’t mean hygiene.

This is where I get stuck. I feel like I live a pretty lazy, self-indulgent lifestyle. I have time to blather on about my ovaries to the internets and meet friends for cocktails. If I want to indulge in the activities of the Online NOT Shower ( I know I know, you’re all not that interested and sick of hearing about it) I’m able to buy myself a treat now and then. I have time to go to the gym or yoga, but lately I haven’t been going. Instead I find myself endlessly surfing the net, watching bad teevee or engaging in some form or another of procrastination. Another issue is that some of the things I’ve tried and wanted to embrace have backfired. For instance, knitting. I really wanted to be a knitter. Think of all the cute baby items-ha! In reality, knitting enraged the problem joints in my hands and made me ache which made me throw a pity party for myself because I hate my dumb health problems. So….knitting isn’t for me, but I still love the idea, and I hope it works for one of you. May I knit vicariously through you?

There are a few things contributing to this situation that I can’t do a lot about. I’m sure you all have them. I wish it were different, but it isn’t, and I have to do the best I can with the current status quo. For me the two biggies are HoneyBee’s schedule and our lack of consistent time together and the horrible weather and lack of sunshine for what feels like weeks (but is probably only a week).  I am going to practice acknowledging that they suck, I have a right to be upset by them, but dwelling on them won’t change them.  Sort of  like that prayer, but well, I don’t think God said “suck”. Hey God, it’s easier said than done!

I need new ideas. I’m sure others of you out there could use a new trick or two. Let’s start a self-care list. What do you do nurture yourself daily? Weekly?

Self-care ideas that don’t work for me but I wish they did and hope others find them relaxing and nurturing: knitting, running, other forms of high-impact exercise, crafty things

Self-care I enjoy: time with HoneyBee, yoga, pilates, short meditation (over a half hour (who am I kidding, 15 minutes) and I get fidgety), time with friends, reading, hiking, travel, keeping up with current events and feminist issues

Things I commit to doing this week:

1 yoga class (hopefully tonight)

1 pilates class (this weekend)

Get a library card from new library (long story about why my neighborhood library was closed for a year) (tomorrow or early next week)

Buy a new book I’m excited about to read in the interim (at lunch today)

Look into a weekend trip somewhere sunny  this month (having SAD makes me sad)

Engage HoneyBee in a specific current event discussion when we talk tonight instead of just our regular daily catch up.

What are you going to do for yourself this week?

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