A recent comment on my blog included  a rant against foster parents. I unapproved the comment because it makes no sense on this, a blog about primary female factor infertility. I have no foster children.  In addition to the ranting, she accused me (or the intended recipient) of being selfish, only wanting perfect children, and only posting about my needs while neglecting to speak about what my future children will need and want. She is probably unstable given she is ranting at strangers on the internet, and the wrong strangers at that, but she brings up some of the cardinal accusations thrown at infertiles. Let’s break them down, shall we?

Selfish: Ah yes, I’m selfish for undergoing infertility treatments in my quest to have a child. Le sigh. Yawn. This is not a new judgement. But, I have child-free by choice friends that are called selfish for not having children, as though a proper grown woman is defective if she doesn’t want to reproduce. I’m selfish for wanting babies; the non-breeders are selfish for not wanting babies. I guess the only un-selfish women are those that have a baby with no assistance, but it goes without saying that the Judgers require that the pregnancy is wanted, between one married man and woman, and that  ending a pregnancy on purpose is definitely met with…..judgement. How boring. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and this diversity is beautiful.

The Judgey McJudgersons  don’t stop with conception and childbearing. Judgement continues regarding working, gender roles, childcare, and childrearing choices. So, Poster Calling Me Selfish, you know what? I am. But, so are you. We all are. Part of why I want a baby is selfish, as it is with most people, but my selfishness is tested with each syringe of FSH and each trip to the stirrups. If I was really only looking out for my needs above all else, it wouldn’t include an HSG.

I only want perfect children. Sure. Don’t we all? Isn’t healthy, happy, and with 10 fingers and toes what we would all prefer? But we don’t always get what we want, and as barren or habitual aborte.rs, most of us are pretty familiar with this. I would prefer that my hypothetical child not have serious problems or issues, but from what I’ve seen, most people have something  at least a little bit wrong with them eventually:). No matter the problem or the degree of the issue, I’ll love and support said hypothetical child to the best of my abilities.

I only post about my needs and not the needs of my future children. Well, she’s an optimist, this one. I’ll give her that! She seems to think I WILL have children. I’m not so sure, and as many of you have confessed, the idea of not having children is so hard to fathom that we try our best to ignore it while at the same time the fear drives us to more and more desperate lengths. Part of the way I deal with my fear of not having children is by focusing on what I can do to affect change in the here and now-fertility treatments, supplements, meditation. I post about wanting a baby, and my fears that I won’t have a baby. I don’t post about the needs of a real baby because that real baby isn’t a sure thing. I don’t take for granted that I can ovulate, that ovulation results in pregnancy, that a pregnancy results in a baby, that thathe  baby will be healthy, and so on and so forth. If I ever reach the elusive goal of motherhood, I assure you I will put my baby’s needs above those of all others, but until that time, I’m afraid to dream of the opportunity to do so.

Obviously the poster’s comment was much more about her than about me or the blog she meant it for, but her thoughts are familiar to me as I’ve encountered them from people in my life, many of whom love me dearly, and they hurt, they hurt us all. I wish her peace and acceptance, as close-minded judgement isn’t helpful for any of us.