Stir Crazy Sunday, Aug 17 2008 

I would make a very bad hermit. I’m going completely nuts in my house. I hope it has something to do with finally  feeling significantly better this evening. I’m off the codeine; I’ve been awake for 9 hours with only a very brief snooze; I even ran the dishwasher. I have high hopes for tomorrow-a short walk to the bookstore and maybe a coffee treat… and a nap- I’m not going to go all hog wild or anything. It will be nice to feel like the stairs are the gateway to nature and not an obstacle between the couch and bed.

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lap Saturday, Aug 16 2008 

I talked to the doctor. The lap went well, but he didn’t find anything. No endo. No adhesions. I know this is good news, but it still leaves me with unexplained pelvic pain and horrific period pain. Awesome

My recovery is chugging along. I slept most of Thursday and Friday. I’m up this evening, but cable and internet are out-thanks Comcast! I’m “borrowing” internet from the neighbor right now. I may need to send a friend out for movies if this problem continues and I can’t watch reruns of America’s Next Top Model and CNN to speed my recovery.

I’m going to give continuous HRT a try and see how it goes. In theory, it should cut down or eliminate my need to have any periods at all which should fix the period pain problem since I shouldn’t get my period (or get it very seldom). As for the intermittent pelvic pain, I’m kind of used to it. Seriously, I’ll look into alternative treatments. Maybe back to acupuncture (I’ve gone in the past, I like it). Maybe cranio sacral therapy. Has anyone had any luck with either?

I know I only ovulate with the help of fertility drugs, but I feel like switching to continuous instead of cyclical HRT is, in a way, admitting defeat and acknowledging that I won’t ovulate on my own. This is silly, and I’ll get over it, but I still feel sad about it. It shouldn’t change anything regarding future ability to use fertility drugs. I’ll just stop the Prometrium when we want to cycle and start it again after ovulation, so that’s good news. I just sometimes hate all of this.

mesh panties Saturday, Aug 16 2008 

Why is it that hospitals can’t get with 2008 and buy pads with adhesive backing? What is with the enormous pads/mesh panties combo? I’m sure when they invented adhesive backing for pads it left a lot of unsold inferior pads that were made to go with those snazzy belt contraptions my mother told me about, but haven’t we worked through the surplus by now? Is someone somewhere is still manufacturing pads without adhesive specifically for hospitals to give out as a set with the mesh panties?

As for the mesh panties, I thought about torturing HoneyBee with them, but I realized that if the lights were low enough he might think they were a misguided attempt to sex it up with some unorthodox, ghostly white, flammable, fishnet boyshorts, and the small chance that the mesh panties could possibly lead to some lovin’ is one I’m not willing to risk. My best friend assures me that she has some extras  from the box of maternity-ward freebies if I get nostalgic for this scratchy, yet freakishly stretchy, granny-panty, see-through porn disaster. Don’t worry, I’m willing to share.

I used tampons the first time I got my period.  The alternative felt like a diaper and gave me a rash….furthering the diaper parallel. Even the word “pad” sounds icky to me. I find it especially annoying that ever since I started the infertility saga I’ve had to use more pads than ever before in my life. After HSG, check, after miscarriage, check, after laparoscopy, check, while using Prometrium up my girly bits over and over, check (well, liners, but still). Enough with the diapers, err I mean pads. I want a chance to use diapers on a baby, not myself.

Writing an infertility blog while on a break Sunday, Aug 10 2008 

Isn’t that sort of like writing a relationship blog while single?

Granted the break didn’t start as such. It was, for little bit, a pregnancy, and then not. My RE cleared us for another cycle by the end of April, but at first we weren’t really ready, and then I had some medical issues to check out in May, and then I couldn’t try as we needed to get to the bottom of some wonky blood test results, next it was decided that yes, I have some funky hormone issues, but it isn’t due to a dangerous disease so I was cleared in the last few weeks to try, but now I’m having the lap for possible endo this week. So, I’m on a break, but if this is what being on a break is like – heartbreak, unknown medical problems, and, lots of doctors, well overall cycling might not be that much more stressful than the last few months of my “break”.

At least during a cycle I’m fully acquainted with my nemesis, POF. It pretends I might not grow a follicle, and then I do. I worry I might not ovulate, but with the boost of an Ovridel those eggs are sailing out. In March I kicked POF’s ass and got pregnant, but then I wasn’t. I’m not sure if this was POF’s grand  finale and a hint at whats to come or just another step toward a baby. Might I keep going through this again and again only to not get pregnant at all or have another mc? How do I keep getting back in line over and over again for a ride that isn’t really all that fun but that I know I’ll love if I can just stay buckled in the seat long enough to get to the end?

What do I want this to be? Thursday, Aug 7 2008 

Right now this blog is my little secret. I’ve not told any of the area infertility bloggers I casually know. I mentioned it to my best friend, but she’s overwhelmed with a new baby and toddler and, by her own description, not really into blogs. I asked HoneyBee for advice regarding our anonymity (and how to ensure it) before I put up the first post, but he has a very strong sense of privacy, and even though I don’t have a problem with him reading, I doubt he will feel comfortable just checking in.

This leaves me pretty sure that I can write whatever I want right now and not have to worry about the reactions of others, both IRL and in the blogosphere, but the key phrase is, “right now.” What happens if this blog slowly becomes more public? Will I regret earlier writings? I’m not expecting to be controversial, but I’m sensitive, especially about infertility and our personal choices. I’m relatively open with most friends about my general situation, but I’m less vocal with some family, and only a few friends and my sister know about the m/c. I don’t expect people IRL to track this blog down (nor is there really reason for them to bother), but what if they find it? How will I feel?

How much should I edit and limit? How much of myself should I spill on the web? Will I later regret if I share too much? How do I feel about advertising our choices to the web and opening myself up to the judgments of others?

I’m also not exactly sure how this blog is going to grow. I really don’t want it to become a pile of bitching or a pity party. As much as I love a chance to moan, I squirm at the idea of a me me me complain-athon as that seems really narcisistic, and I doubt anyone would really want to read it. I’d like to use it as a space to ruminate on larger issues in infertility and illness, but a little mean voice in my head keeps saying, “What makes you think anyone wants to hear what you have to say?”.

For now I’d like to get my feet wet, talk about some of the issues rattling around my brain lately and see what larger topics strike my fancy as I get more comfortable.

So, Future Readers, if there ever are any of you and you read back through old posts, please be gentle and remember the beginning stages of any project are a time of growing pains.

a useless lap? Friday, Aug 1 2008 

Yesterday I sat down with the partner of my RE and talked about my pelvic pain. “Pelvic pain”….it sounds like a bad garage band from middle school, but unfortunately it is my life. To be more specific my pain is mostly intermittent and on the lower left side. I also have progressively worsening cramps before and during my period. Lately, when I bother to take the Prometrium every 3 months, I’m a mess on the couch gobbling Tylenol 3’s begged from HoneyBee, whose doctor is a real life Dr. Feel Good that gives HoneyBee narcotics for a hangnail, while I whimper and hemorrhage quietly in the corner. After about a year of progressively awful symptoms, MRI’s, sonograms, exams, a colonoscopy, and lots of frustration we have come to the conclusion that a lap might be warranted. Granted, I haven’t wanted one, and endometriosis in someone with premature ovarian failure isn’t common, but, I’ve been taking HRT for a while and I’ve been responding to fertility drugs giving me plenty of estrogen to feed the beast (if there is one).

Let me take a second to say that I love my RE (in the way that one loves the man that sees her naked from the waist down and tries to get her pregnant repeatedly). I had a pre-op for the laparoscopy with Dr. B (the partner) because my RE, Dr. S., no longer does them. In our discussion it comes out that basically both doctors feel that chances of finding anything wrong are low and basically it is a diagnostic surgery to prove nothing is wrong. I’m insulted. This smacks of indulgence and hypochondria-two things I’m NOT a fan of! While I don’t want endometriosis or any sort of illness, something is wrong, and I want an answer. Is it bad that now I want to have endometriosis only to prove them wrong? A sort of perfectionism gone awry.

Note to wordpress: Learn that both Prometrium and endometriosis are real words….you’ll be seeing them a lot here