Trigger this! Tuesday, Jul 7 2009 

Not looking great. Poor Follie-Only 14.8 this morning. I talked to the nurse and said that I’m happy to keep going if my RE thinks it would make a difference, but if it is time to cut our losses, trigger, and try again next month, I’m ready for that to be the plan. She said she’d talk to the RE and let me know. We played phone tag so I didn’t get my actual e2 reading or have a real conversation to relay his thoughts, but her message said that I’m cleared for Trigger as soon as HoneyBee gets home (hopefully tomorrow). I’ll take meds tonight (and tomorrow if for some reason he isn’t back until Thurs).

monkey tailI guess there is a wild chance in hell that it could mature enough before/due to the trigger shot, but I’m not hopeful. Besides, after  almost 4 weeks of stims and such slow growth, I’m afraid that any resulting baby might have 3 heads or  a prehensile tail. Not a Clown Car pointed out that a prehensile tail could actually be useful, especially since I’m short and need help reaching things, but I digress. I’m no fortune teller, but I predict a negative in approximately 2 weeks.

Is it a good or bad thing that after seeing dozens of photos of monkeys with prehensile tails dressed up in little outfits (with diaper covers,  people sell diaper cover for monkeys, with tail holes. I kid you not. goog.le it.) I sort of want one. Maybe if I stay barren I’ll just get a monkey and pretend it is a baby. That’s totally acceptable, right?

PS-This particular monkey is totally cracking me up. She (he?) looks so ashamed. Is it the outfit? The captivity? Come live with me monkey; I’ll dress you in style!

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My soul hurts Monday, Jun 29 2009 

This is just so fucking hard.

Break up with me already! Saturday, Jun 27 2009 

Thanks for all the thoughts and funny posts. If only humor raised e2 levels. I’m back to an e2 of 130ish (they always manage to call when I’m away from a pen and flustered from the call). And yet, RE said to keep us the stims until Tuesday and return. I’m more shocked by his optimism than I am by the drop. I feel like this cycle is dead in the water, but I guess we’ll see. Frankly, I’m more frightened by my RE’s perserverance. It makes me nervous he’s thinking this is the last chance he wants to authorize. I hope I have a few more in the pipeline because this looks pretty done to me.

Everybody’s doing it Friday, Jun 26 2009 

wheatgrass It tastes exactly like it looks.  The frozen cubes come in a little tray (like my photo on the last post), and when they thaw, they are watery with pureed grass-matter. They aren’t delicious. I don’t crave them, but they aren’t horrible. I’d trade you an aggressive nurse wielding a camera up the vag the day of trigger for a few shots of wheatgrass any day. Considering all of the crap we endure for a chance at a baybee, a sip of lawnmower sludge seems pretty low on the “sucky things we do for a pregnancy and baby” scale.

I just bought 2 more boxes. I plan to take 4 shots a day (for no scientific reason, it just seems like enough to be some degree of overkill, but not so much as to be terribly wasteful) for the rest of this cycle. The box calls 2 shots a serving. I think they are using the same scientific decision-making that I am employing, ie: bullshit.

Yes, you heard that right. the cycle is still on. Maybe. Yesterday they saw nothing, but my e2 went up to 237 (or 8) I forget, exactly. I go back in tomorrow for another lookee and bloodletting. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.

Farewell, vino. It was beautiful, but I hope we break up for aproximately 9 months Tuesday, Jun 16 2009 

I owe it to Clowncar to back off of my affair with the vino; after all, I’m in a monogamous relationship with her fertility drugs as of today. That’s right-I’m cleared for the stims! Yay!

I’d like to report that the Luveri.s doesn’t sting AT ALL. The stinging can be definitively blamed on FSH.  Furthermore, now that I’m back with my old girlfriend, Follis..tim, I’m curious: What the fuck do they put in Brave-helle that makes it sting so fucking much? Probably gold to account for the cost. The platinum in Follist.im must be more highly purified. I’m still very grateful for the last cycle, thanks again, Leabee! Actually, it left me with an 11mm follicle today at my sonogram.

Ladies, is there any chance in hell that this little-follicle-that-could might possibly continue on for this cycle and become my baybee? If yes, it truly takes a village of complimentary meds from friends and fellowship-trained physicians to knock me up, but if not, are they hoping that it will just mature and go away, leaving room for the Duggar-size camp surely (ha!)  growing behind it? Or, am I counting on a cycle-old follicle that already proved it had failure-to-thrive to morph into a gamete of prowess?

I should have asked the nurse, but this is the first time I’ve ever gone to day 3 and had anything pop up on the ultrasound. I was totally confused  when they were able to actually locate my ovaries with the old camera dildo (on the most dinosaur of sonogram machines -I have a feeling they send me in the old equipment room on purpose because they assume they won’t see anything anyway). Discussion of the presence of current, actual, not-imaginary follicle was impossible for me to comprehend, and as a result, I didn’t ask as to the meaning of the existence of the left-over follicle from last cycle.

Are you there God? It’s me, Barren Monday, Jun 15 2009 

Finally. After crying this morning because my boobs hurt, I knew either that the period HAD to make an appearance, or I was going to end up in an institution for the criminally pms-y. I get my quality time with the dildo cam tomorrow.

Just like Christmas (I find this analogy especially funny because she is Jewish), these are the many riches bestowed upon my by NotAClownCar-leftovers from her past cycles.  Her generosity overwhelms me, and I already cried in thanks to her and sent her some FRERs in gratitude. What? You don’t think that a pack of pregnancy tests comes even close to matching the generosity of thousands of dollars of ovarian stimulation? Me either. I’m working on it.

drugs cycle 79740

I think I missed my calling to elaborately stage drill team formations. Or as an incredibly untalented product photographer. The lighting in the dining area is sucky. I hope my eggs don’t take after the bad household lighting in my apartment. That would be lame.

I’m a woman now Friday, Jun 12 2009 

I think I’m getting my period, but instead of getting off my ass and walking to the bathroom to check I’m posting about it ( I always get cramps right before the actual event, sort of like an advance team on a political campaign).  The last time I was this excited to get my period was 16 or 17 years ago when I was the only one of my friends with no boobs and no period. I made my parents take me to the doctor; it was mortifying to have to mention it to my dad, but my lust for a second base was stronger than my humiliation. The long awaited period showed up a few months later and lasted 3 months, never became regular, and I had two per month until I went on the pill (and sometimes even while on the pill), but somehow it took almost a decade to diagnose my hormone disorder. Way to drop the ball on that one, Medical Establishment!

 Two take home messages from that life lesson: Be careful what you wish for. Welcome to womanhood!

Bottom line: Cycle 79740, GO!

REs: can’t live with them, can’t legally sell them on the internet for a profit Monday, Jun 8 2009 

I saw my RE. 

Bottom line: I’m not cut off from the ovarian crack.

But, he wants me to be realistic about the response we may or may not continue to get. He mentioned donor eggs, donor embryos, and adoption again as future routes if I don’t succeed with my own eggs. We have talked about it before. He was gentle. He is trying to keep me realistic. I am set to go for a Follist.im/Luve.ris cycle with a Med.rol steroid pack as soon as I get my period, and I’m greenlighted for more after that if I need/want to. In no way did he say he would cut me off after x more cycles. This is why I like him. Oh, and the part where he lets this lady with a FSH of over 70 keep trying fertility drugs.

And yet, I’m sad. I don’t want to have to feel grateful that I found the sucker RE that will give me a shot (hehe). Both HoneyBee  and NotAClownCar reminded me that this RE would never ever let me continue if he thought it was worthless, that’s unethical.

Anyone have an in on where to score wheatgrass shots?