This is the cycle that never ends, it goes on and on my friends Sunday, Jul 5 2009 

I snarkily named this cycle 79740  for blog organization purposes; little did I know it would be approximately that many days to nurture this follicle to trigger size.   14.5 mm, my Dear Readers. That’s a .5 increase from Friday. The doctor originally did a quick swipe of my pancreas, errr ovaries, and he proclaimed it 11 mm. I sat up, looked him straight in the eye, and said, “It was 14 mm 2 days ago.”

He must deal with crazy, hormonal women for a living because he quickly measured the wider part of the follicle and said, “or, 14.5.”

Happier, but still not victorious, I walked home. I’ve stopped counting how many days of stims. 20? 21? 19? Too many. I’m ready, Follicle. Try for me. Just a few more mm’s. I’ve got an out-of-state good bye party next weekend and I need to get HoneyBee home for some lovin’ and for my sanity. Just 3 or 4 mm’s. Please? If you get a nice e2 rise, I’ll even settle for 2 mm. Your choice.

Sex rx Friday, Jul 3 2009 

ClipArtBigPlaneFreeHoneyBee  has been overseas for weeks on a project that seems to never end. He was supposed to be home more than 3 weeks ago. He consented to this cycle with excitement and many promises that he would be back in time because this project was, “just about to finish up!” Ha!

I sit here with a 14 mm follicle and the sperm is still an ocean away. Given the nature of this contract, he needs special permission to pick up and leave in the middle of the project to come home and attempt to impregnate his partner. The family medical emergency travel excuse  is in place waiting for me to tell him that I’m approved for trigger at which time he’ll fly back for a few days of carnal fun. At least that’s how it is supposed to work. I envision travel logistic hillarity will ensue. It always does.

Yesterday he informed me that I’ll need to get a note from my RE to substantiate his request for a leave.  He giggled as he told me I need to get a prescription for sex for his file. I accused him of making me do this purely for his own ammusement and not for documentation purposes.

I’m trying to find the right balance between protecting my privacy and making it clear that his appearance (errr that’s what the kids call it these days?) is essential.

My suggestion:

Dear HR Person I Don’t Know:

Barren is under my care and her medical condition necessitates that HoneyBee return home for days X-Y.

HoneyBee’s suggestion:

Dear HR Person I Don’t Know:

It is medically necessary that HoneyBee return home for days X-Y to have sex with Barren. A lot of sex. Repeatedly.

Do try this at home, but don’t tell your RE Tuesday, Jun 30 2009 

10 mm

10 mm

For those of you that want to hate on my photog skillz, what you are observing at left is a badly taken photograph of this morning’s sonogram featuring a 10 mm follicle on my left side. To the left of the follicle is what some may call a “flash” but what I would prefer to think of as a halo of light and truth.

In exchange for a copy of  this picture of the follicle, I agreed to share with the nurse  the details of my weekend stint as my very own self-prescribing, protocol-changing, google-educated RE . Apparently, they like to know when you dick around at home with your fertility drugs. Huh?

I was rather proud of my handiwork (see photo at left). She, to her credit, was cool, but she insisted that the information had to be shared with the RE. I reminded her of what Tony Soprano does to informants.

You see, after Saturday’s e2 drop and no-follicles-in-sight-sonogram, I decided, Fuck it. The cycle was as good as dead anyway, so I dropped my Luv.eris all together (fat lot of good that drug did me), and I amped up the Follis.tim by a liiiiiiiiiiiitle bit (and by little bit I mean I didn’t double it, but well, you know).  And volia: my follicle.

Are the two events related? Hard to know. Will this follicle grow and flourish? Ehhh, maybe. Maybe not. I’m not quite ready to crank up the Hope-O-Meter just yet, but if this sucker keeps growing, and if I, dare I say it, make it to trigger! I might just have to admit that theres a little bit of hope left in my cranky meter.

In other news, I’m thinking of starting a bruising contest for both abdomen shots  and blood draws. I think we’ll have to have several divisions. I don’t stand a chance against the blood thinner crew, but I’m sporting a pretty hard-core line on my stomach right now, and I’m getting worried that my coworkers are going to catch me mid-admiration one of these days. That would be super awkward as while I don’t remember it from the handbook, I’m pretty sure I’m expected to keep my pants on and my shirt pulled down while in my cubicle. Who’s in? Post them on your blog and link back, or whatever.

My soul hurts Monday, Jun 29 2009 

This is just so fucking hard.

Break up with me already! Saturday, Jun 27 2009 

Thanks for all the thoughts and funny posts. If only humor raised e2 levels. I’m back to an e2 of 130ish (they always manage to call when I’m away from a pen and flustered from the call). And yet, RE said to keep us the stims until Tuesday and return. I’m more shocked by his optimism than I am by the drop. I feel like this cycle is dead in the water, but I guess we’ll see. Frankly, I’m more frightened by my RE’s perserverance. It makes me nervous he’s thinking this is the last chance he wants to authorize. I hope I have a few more in the pipeline because this looks pretty done to me.

Dude, where’s my follicle? Saturday, Jun 27 2009 

The RE did my monitoring this morning. Still nuthin a brewin’, but he said, “Hey the e2 went up. We’ll have to see what it does today. I don’t know why I can’t see anything” My boobs hurt like a bitch which is my best guestimate that the e2 isn’t exactly dropping. Or, I’m just poking them a lot to see if they hurt.

I appreciate my RE’s honesty , but this is getting ridiculous. 11 days of stims and no visible follicles? . It’s like a bad break up that doesn’t end. If this cycle is on I want it to be as invested in in the relationship as I am.

I’m setting an ultimatum: the follicles need to show up to monitoring, be present, and fully commit to our relationship in order to take it to the next level: a few follicles that properly mature, fertilize, and become my precious baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I get the e2 results at 1:00

So, I have a plan. I like plans. They bring me pleasure. Not as  much pleasure as I guess the fruit of my loins would bring, but a close second. If  I have to start this all over in approximately 2 weeks with another cycle I’m kicking it old school-straight Foll.istim, no Luve.ris. That worked to get me to ovulate repeatedly a year ago. I can’t make myself a year younger, but like an athlete and her lucky socks, I’ll go back to my treatment of superstision. Maybe I’ll ask about a higher does; it isn’t like we are worried about multiple follicles. I can’t even get one these days.

Everybody’s doing it Friday, Jun 26 2009 

wheatgrass It tastes exactly like it looks.  The frozen cubes come in a little tray (like my photo on the last post), and when they thaw, they are watery with pureed grass-matter. They aren’t delicious. I don’t crave them, but they aren’t horrible. I’d trade you an aggressive nurse wielding a camera up the vag the day of trigger for a few shots of wheatgrass any day. Considering all of the crap we endure for a chance at a baybee, a sip of lawnmower sludge seems pretty low on the “sucky things we do for a pregnancy and baby” scale.

I just bought 2 more boxes. I plan to take 4 shots a day (for no scientific reason, it just seems like enough to be some degree of overkill, but not so much as to be terribly wasteful) for the rest of this cycle. The box calls 2 shots a serving. I think they are using the same scientific decision-making that I am employing, ie: bullshit.

Yes, you heard that right. the cycle is still on. Maybe. Yesterday they saw nothing, but my e2 went up to 237 (or 8) I forget, exactly. I go back in tomorrow for another lookee and bloodletting. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.

Lawn juice for dinner Tuesday, Jun 23 2009 

002

The serving size is 2 shots of wheatgrass juice; I promptly thawed four. I left my couch-rest only to attend therapy and procure the lawn clippings pictured above. I was unable to locate fresh wheatgrass  juice, and as I live in a city and have no lawn or space in which to cultivate my own grain (is it a grain? I’ll have to ask Dr. Google), I went for second best, the flash frozen, pre-measured shots. Something tells me I’d enjoy the “shot” a little more if it was poured by a hottie at a swim-up  tiki bar and accompanied by a yummy frosty adult beverage with an umbrella. Alas, I will settle for a chaser of D.HEA and a few other shots of hormones directly to the gut.

For dessert

003

Just one little glass. The ovaries were so sad without it.

I know that a last ditch shot (or 4) of lawn clippings isn’t going to be the miracle savior of this cycle, but my desperation is a palpable, and it tastes like your backyard.

It is what it is and it will be what it will be Monday, Jun 22 2009 

My ovaries miss wine.

This morning I had two nice women up in my business, and I still only had to pay one co-pay. They say healthcare costs are rising, but I’m getting two for one.  The first (less experienced ) nurse found a follicle that was only slightly larger than the measurement at baseline, and she asked for a second opinion from the second (more experienced ) nurse. Second Nurse saw no follicles and thought the follicle First Nurse saw was just a sneaky  gas bubble. I cried after monitoring, certain I’d be canceled, but my message this afternoon said that, even with my slightly lower e2, I am to stay the course and come back Thursday.

I’m sticking this follicle-of-dubious-existence  on modified bedrest, effectively immediately. I am planting my ass and my ovaries on the couch as much as possible for the next few days. I switched my schedule around, and I’m working from home. Will it make a difference? Probably not. And, yes, for the record, I’m incredibly embarrassed about the palpable desperation involved in self-imposed home-rest for a follicle that may or may not exist.

I have a dream Sunday, Jun 21 2009 

The night I started stims I had a dream that I was in the hospital after giving birth to a baby girl, and  I named her after my great grandmother.

Last night I dreamed that I had too many follicles (ha! fantasy much?) and my RE wanted to convert to an IVF, but we had to give him $25,000 right then (I realize this isn’t how it works). HoneyBee was trying to reassure me that even though we couldn’t afford the egg extortion (would that be egg-stortion?), it was still really great proof that I was responding better than we ever had hoped, but I hated him for trying to put a positive spin on my inability to finish this cycle.

Share your crazy barren dreams in the comments or link back to a a post on your blog

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